Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Pot warmers of the day.
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.