Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You Might Also Like
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Just so funny
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
2015: Taco Emoji!