The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
You Might Also Like
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers