#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”