The perfect label doesn’t exi-
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg