[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
You Might Also Like
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife鈥檚 bare hand.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
*first date*
Him: So, I鈥檓 a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you鈥檒l have to wash your hands like a politician
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Holy moly
馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I鈥檓 Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I鈥檓 the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.