Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
You Might Also Like
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.