Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Does your wife know you’re single?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.