WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.