It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
According to math, I’m broke
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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