I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My current situation
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.