funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
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Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*