The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!