The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
fourth time’s the charm
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!