The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before