Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
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guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.