Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The Purge: Valentine’s Day