I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
so much to do