Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music