I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.