Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
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I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.