Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
You Might Also Like
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.