i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
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[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.