BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
me logging onto twitter