A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
No, he would not have.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“A little help here, Danny?”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did