I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
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very niche meme I made
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I’m calling the cops.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*