Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself