Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.