Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Google assistant rules
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.