Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

They have a sign that says “Food is medicine”. That is great, the next time I have a headache I’m going to duct tape a fucking big mac to my forehead.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes