Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?