I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
When ur friends with white people
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.