If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”