the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
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Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.