People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
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me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]