You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Today’s Times
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*