You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.