No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.