pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
j o i m p
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
That time Alicia messaged me
IT’S-A ME,
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”