I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail