[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?