Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley