Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
don’t we all
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
When I pack too much for a short trip.
That’s easy for you to say
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.