I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
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Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Put this video in the Louvre
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.