what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.