And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Are we there yet?…
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!