My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
She puts the hot in psychotic
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.