@Imposter_Edits

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

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@BaconBeefStrip

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

@trevso_electric

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

@julcasagrande

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

@swiftenhaal

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

@shaztaberry

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

@SweetBlueNote

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.