Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.