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SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.