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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”