Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the