Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
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Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
one last job
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Word!