I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name