*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
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If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
These aren’t even hard anymore.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?