Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
🤣
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.