I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.