[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
👾👾👾
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I am, perchance
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾