[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.